Comedy Writing
The Onion is a name and faceless brand made up of incredibly talented full-time staff writers and weekly contributors. I am a weekly contributor to the features section and may or may not have had jokes purchased for sections of the site such as this.
Viral Jokes
Featured on Reductress merch.
Featured on Reductress merch.
I wrote the headline only, featured on Reductress merch.
Reductress
I'm Not Afraid of Death. I'm Afraid of People Seeing the Inspirational Quotes I Saved on My Phone
Points In Case
Everyone Is Focusing on Me Dressing as a Grannie to Steal the Vaccine and Not on My Sick-Ass Costume
The Comments Section of a Wholesome Video of a Puppy and a Baby
An Open Letter of Gratitude to My Anxiety
List: We'll Tell You How These Women's Lives Turned Out Based on the Winter Coat They Wore in 6th Grade
List: A Day in the Life of a Hollywood Assistant in Quarantine
New York City's Most Unpowerful Couples
I Am Your Smartphone Sitting in a Bag of Rice
Quiz: Bear in Hibernation or Millennial in Quarantine?
How to Make Every Interaction About Netflix's "Tiger King"
Little Old Lady Comedy
Everything That Happened The Day The Nicole Kidman AMC Monologue Was Written
No Bullshit Bedtime Stories To Prepare Little Girls For The Real World
How To Wear Clothes And Ride Elevators: The Updated Employee Manual For Our Return To The Office
“Look Girls, If You Want To Make It Into The Yearbook, Just Don’t Bring Your Human Body Parts Onto School Property”
Celebrity Oreo Endorsements For 2021
Out Of Office Emails From Your Coworker On A Staycation In Quarantine
Iconic Art House Movies Summarized By Your Fratty Little Cousin Todd
An Investigation Into The Hot Gossip In My Venmo News Feed
Steps To Filming A Viral Family TikTok Dance
The Wedding Is Still On And No I Will NOT Reschedule, STOP ASKING AUNT BATHILDA
A Break Up Letter To My Therapist: It’s Not You, It’s Me. I’m Better!
I Am The Bad Girl From Your Daughter’s Favorite Show, Introducing Myself Before I Ruin Her Next Season
Slackjaw
I Am A Social Media Influencer: I Sailed Across The Atlantic Just Like Greta
Greg’s Demands For The Socially-Distant Wedding
Bake Your Own Aspiring Millennial Comedian With This Simple Recipe!
Essays
Pigeon Walking With Grace but Also Strength
Middle Aged Man Finally Stops Playing Games
Do You Really Need The Hiking Sticks or Do You Just Wanna Make This Walk Look Harder?
Wow! The Old Lady Who Lives in a Shoe Has a Washer Dryer in There
Woman Most Confident Dressed in Billowy Slab of Loose Fabric
Sad! No One RSVP-ed to Man's Party
How To Manifest Cinammon Rolls Right Now
Giraffe Insecure He Only Gets Laid Cause He’s 20 Feet Tall
Report: Christmas Music Mostly Jazz
Uh Oh! Greg Responded to Nude With ‘Neato’
How to Walk With Confidence From Your Bedroom to the Kitchen
Jealous? This Dog’s Room is Clean
When You See How Much Weight This Celebrity Has Lost You’re Gonna Throw Your Uncle Down The Stairs
Protect Yourself From the Sun By Resting Under All of Lisa’s Shade
Get Him to Notice You by Commenting ‘I Am Your Overlord Now’ on All His Instagram Posts
Suspicious? This Cat Knows All the Lyrics to ‘I Write Sins Not Tragedies’ by Panic! At The Disco
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Mental Hellth Substack
I write a weekly humorous blog and newsletter on Substack about mental health.